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About Me Member Wannabe Novelist fakeashollywoodFemale/United States Recent Activity Deviant for 3 Years
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Dear Mollie...

Sun Feb 8, 2009, 10:46 PM
This is a journal, and I'm going to write, going to write like I'm in my room, under the covers, head on pillow, pouring my heart-blood onto a page. I type faster than I write and this is going to be purely theraputic, unedited, and honest, and for myself. If you read this, you're reading my thoughts, my head, and that's all I have to say on that.

I'm scared, so scared, that I'm being programmed to fail; I look at my family, and my grandma Cathy, and she can't walk, she hobbles around with a cigarrette, and she abused my mom. I try to think about what my mom went through, as property of the adults in her life, and my dad, and all of my family and genetics swirl around inside of my body-shell, and am I fighting the impossible? Am I fighting a war I can't win? Was I predestined to fail, and can people change, because I'm crying and screaming to something to make my life worth living, God, God, God, is someone there?

Zach and I, we hold eachother, we put our hands on eachother's hearts, and he gets me, because his mom is dying, and his dad is distant, and he knows pain; he hides it and I fall victim and I've never known anyone so strong...I take on his pain sometimes, because I want to be there.

And medicines fail, you know. Tolerance. And I swallow a pill just like his mom, who is at this moment in a hospital bed with an IV in her neck, because her veins are too weak, because she is dehydrating herself to earn her son's attention, killing herself to feel his love, and we can only do so much for her, you know?

You can die for someone much easier than you can live for them; I'm finding that out.

I don't want to mirror weakness, and I'm trying to be so strong, and the bipolar makes everything worse...

I want someone to come and take my heart and make it innocent again, and to take my arms and spin me in a circle, and squeeze me tight, and tell me I'm beautiful.

I want someone to talk to me, ME, ME, and not my shell, not this body. There is more to a human than biology.

Two halves don't make a whole. Two empty people make an empty relationship, and we have to fill eachother up, and get past this.


Dear Mollie,

I can see you crying, I can see you fighting so hard. You can't fix the world. Those babies, screaming, in the hospital, with the tubes in their noses, with the needles in their skin, those souls who don't have a fighting chance, you have to let go, because you can't control the world. Mollie, I know you love, and I know you get choked up at a love song, I know you love candles and are embarrassed about your body, I know you want to heal. I know you get sad and try not to, I know you hide it well. You need to stop yelling at your boyfriend. He loves you a lot. He needs you. You need to be less insecure, because he'll always be there. If you love someone, let them go; if they leave, they were never yours, and if they come back, then it's meant to be. Mollie, I know you have issues with trust, I know you're scared to death of abandonment. I'm with you, at night, when you're screaming inside, when you're sneaking down the stairs at 2am to wake your mom up to cry, I know you're trying hard. I know. But pain is temporary. Don't push people away. Be soft, Mollie, sometimes if you put up walls, they grow, without your knowledge, and soon you can't see around them. Let people in. Mollie, be softer, be caring, and be empathetic. Get some more counseling, and it will all pay off. Mollie, you're beautiful, just scarred. Keep trying, because there are people that care, and can touch your soul, if you let them. You were little once too, and you can't hold up the world. Let go of control, and listen more.

Sincerely,

Mollie

  • Mood: Worried
  • Listening to: Keith Urban: Stupid Boy
  • Reading: Naked Lunch

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Devious Info

  • Current Residence: liberty. missouri. but not for long, i promise.
  • Interests: People, Animals, Conservation, Apathy, Music, Literature, Over-scheduling, thinking, hypothesizing
  • Favourite movie: Don't watch much TV
  • Favourite band or musician: NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, P!nk, Nelly, Eminem, No Doubt, Tech N9ne, Billy Talent, Buckcherry, FoB
  • Favourite genre of music: rock: old, new, alternative, hard and heavy.
  • Favourite artist: Brittany P, Jessica Anetsberger, Katie Thierolf
  • Favourite poet or writer: Jodi Picoult, Sarah Dessen, JK Rowling
  • Favourite photographer: Lisa Anetsberger
  • MP3 player of choice: mine.
  • Shell of choice: *steals wolfy's* turtle :)
  • Favourite game: tetris. solitaire.
  • Tools of the Trade: paper, pencil, quiet, imagination, inspiration, and most importantly, pizza.

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Comments


Yeah, I'd really like to keep in touch. I'll call you, okay? Maybe we can go shopping or something. I like talking about clothes and makeup just as much as the next scene kid, so it's all good with me. :P Don't really know much about boys, though, but we can talk about 'em anyways. I definitely want to hang out, and I'm pretty much totally over the "OMG Mollie's a slutwhoreskank" phase. It was just that, frankly, I hate seeing my friends grow up and move on to other things. :D I hope you're still writing. I looked through that really old packet that you made me for my birthday in 8th grade, and it really made me miss you. We had some great times, and the packet was hilarious. There was this one story, though, a Snape/Lily one, that I absolutely loved. Honestly, I was heavily inspired by it and it will probably get at least one fanart. :P I recently made some weird sketchy-thing of Snape and the Dark Mark, but my scanner went kaboom so I can't upload it on here. Sorry if you're not much into HP anymore, I just thought I'd bring it up. Hope to talk to you soon! I'll message you with my number, in case you lost it. I'll probably be getting a cell soon, though, so I'll be sure to add you!

Much love,
Brittany

--
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker.
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim,
"All hail the heartbreaker."
May the saddest day or your future be no worse then the happiest day of your past.

:shamrock: Happy Saint Patrick's Day! :shamrock:


--
Have you Hugged a Pirate Today? :pirate:

Pirates Hugged: 4

Don't let the Pirates go without LOVE!!!
Thank you for the fav!

--
"The flies have conquered the flypaper"
-Steinbeck-
Thank you for the fave, but I appreciate comments for my faves. I would like to know what people like about my pictures so I can get better at what I do. Too bad you don't get to see my pictures in real life anymore. Not that you care, though. They're not that great anyway.

--
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker.
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim,
"All hail the heartbreaker."
Thanks for the fave, but Mollie, did you know that you have a picture of Riku on your favorites?? That "absolution" picture? That's Riku. :) lol.

--
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker.
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim,
"All hail the heartbreaker."
Thank you for the fave, Mollie! I hope to hang out with you sometime soon!

--
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker.
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim,
"All hail the heartbreaker."
i wonder what my signature looks like...

--
won't you think i'm pretty when i'm standing atop the bright lit city, and i'll take your hand and lift you up, and keep you there so you can see it. and i'll savor every moment of this.
you're dream vacation is my hostage refuge. :)
:wave: Thanks so much for the :+fav: :glomp:

--
It's she, a dead leaf
who made autumn his life
spring, his eternal rest.

-Kristine "The modern patadyong"

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