I used to party. I used to smoke weed. I used to do a lot of things that now make my face burn with shame. I used to lie. I used to hit and hurt and hide. I used to be a lot of things I wasn't. Certain memories make my insides squirm. I was crazy, I'm not anymore. It's a weak excuse, but it makes me sleep easier.

I feel like everything has come full circle. Like maybe, all those fucked-up nights with my fucked-up drug-friends, like maybe it was meant to happen. I can't decide if I'm better or worse for it. Had I not gone to rehab, I wouldn't have the appreciation for life and for people that I do now. Had I not screwed up my life, I wouldn't have had the chance to learn from fixing it. I've never loved my family more. I've never been more stable and self-sufficient.

I guess the only way to truly see growth, is to be able to look back, and feel shame, and see how far you've come.

There are some memories I wish I could erase. Some moments I would take back. Some people say that there is no point to regret. But there is. If I didn't regret something, I didn't learn from it. I regret Paulie. I regret drugs. I regret disowning my true friends and my family. I regret it, because none of those things [drugs, drug-friends] are with me anymore; like a long, drawn-out nightmare, those things passed...but I regret them, like a truly powerful electrical fence that I grabbed, and know never to touch again...I've learned.

I don't think I've ever been more set in sobriety, because I've seen just how low I can fall...

Screwing up my life, everyone asks me, "how bad did you feel. How bad did it suck? How depressed were you?" Here's the truth: I had fun on drugs. At the time, I loved my friends. If I didn't, I would have stopped. If it wasn't fun, I wouldn't be addicted. But heres the other truth. Just like rolling down an enormous grass hill, laughing as I went down, I was left to look up and see how far I'd fallen, how much ground I lost. The trip back up that hill was terrifying. I know now that it's a trip I could only make once. I appreciate my sobriety now. My family. The friends I have.

Some pictures take me back to moments that make my face burn. But not all of them would I take back. Some friends I used to have, they weren't all bad. But I'm better off without them. It's hard.

I write all this because I've been having strange dreams lately. Lots and lots of strange dreams. I think the only reason I liked certain people back then was because they were unattainable. A certain figure keeps haunting me. I wake up, with Zach's arm sloped over my shoulder, feeling as though my heart is taking arms against my better judgement. I fall back asleep feeling traitorous.

I have a great life now. I feel like a lot of the things I've been through have made me bigger, more adult. Smarter. Grateful. Productive and focused.

I lost my virginity to a boy I'll never see again, who disappeared as fast as the wind, and what I wouldn't give to have that back, to be innocent again, and to be whole. I think I lost part of my soul and sanity to that person.

I say all this for reasons I can't exactly describe.

I don't know what love is, but I know what security is. It's a studio apartment in Gladstone, shared between Zach and I. It's being able to be honest with someone. To help eachother instead of hurting one another.

I love him, I think. But I can't explain the dreams either.

I regret a lot, but am thankful for the new appreciation I have for life.

I can't ride roller coasters anymore...my new phobia of danger is that extreme.

I'm no longer a student at Liberty High.
I'm no longer a user.
I'm no longer a puppet, either.
I'm a worker,
and a dancer,
and a good friend.
And I'm an employee,
and a recovering addict,
and I'm in need of some friends.

I'm doing yoga,
and Northland,
and ACT Prep classes.

I graduate in December.
College in January.

Shout out to Alarica who's been there through the entire ordeal.

Love you lots.





<3 mollie

so i'm not living at home anymore.
stuff..happened.
i'm kicked out of the rest of the school year.

staying with megan.

call if you know the number.

may be getting a house,
1160 / month.

paulie'll help with rent, and a couple of other people.

tell me if you need to have some fun.

i miss jack and alex.

alarica left town. we had so much fun while she was down though, omahgosh.

"so will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?"

because being without him makes me want to die...









codependency?
maybe.

codependent?
never.

"i am not the one that you should blame"

.....uh-hoooo.uh-hooooo. whoawhoawho...i can't stand it.

mindless self indulgence. listen to them.


"yo yo yo yo yo yo i killed the rock rock rock rock then she killed my brain brain brain......"